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Gandalf- The road goes ever on and on... hum humm humm... I like this song. It’ll only be sung about 10 times more before this movies over.
Froodo- Gandalf! Gandalf!
Gandalf- What?
Frodo- You’re late.
Gandalf- How would you know? I haven’t been here in 60 years, and we haven’t met.
Frodo- Oh. So tell me, how’s everything been for the past half century?
Gandalf- Oh, nothing important... just essentially called your adopted father a thief, sent him and 13 dwarves to destroy the only dragon capable of destroying the Ring of Power, and therefore allowed Sauron another go at the whole world-domination thing.
Frodo- Could you say that again, a little slower?
Gandalf- Never mind. You're gonna be on an angst-trip the whole time anyway. Is it just me, or are there little kids following us?
Hobbit children- Fireworks Gandalf! Fireworks!
Gandalf- I don’t think I will...
Hobbit children- *disappointed faces*
Fireworks- *Boom! Pop! Sizzle!*
Hobbit Children- Schweet!
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Bilbo- Scram, you little hooligans... oh, hi Gandalf.
Gandalf- My, but you haven’t aged a day! Literally!
Bilbo- I can make eggs if you want. Want this one shoved in my mouth?
Gandalf- Thanks, I er, just ate. So, Bilbo, what’s been up?
Bilbo- I feel old... like... what’s a funny food simile I could use here... like... butter scraped over soggy toast. Yeah.
Gandalf- Oh, not a nice image. Could it possible what to do with the you-know-what- on your you-know-where?
Bilbo- The ring? Oh, I dunno...
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*music* *dancing* *Frodo’s reenactment of the chicken dance*
Frodo- I do, ‘cause you’re my special friend!
Sam- Hear hear!
Bilbo- Aww, all right. Today’s my eleventy-first birthday, in uneducated Hobbit reasoning. It’s been great. So, since I don’t feel like reading the cue cards, Sayonara!
Hobbits- Alright, he’s gone. Let’s auction off his stuff on Ebay!
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Bilbo- Alrighty, almost home, I’m gonna sneak in James Bond style... that’ll be shaken, not stirred... Oh! Gandalf!
Gandalf- I suppose you think you’re funny?
Gandalf- Where’s the ring?
Bilbo- It’s in my pocket.
Gandalf- Gimme.
Bilbo- I’d rather not. *twitch*
Gandalf- HAND IT OVER!
Bilbo- Never! Mwahahaha!
Gandalf- Alrighty then, I’ll just have to convince you by zapping out your brains.
Bilbo- Okay, geez. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’ll just... leave it on the floor... take care of my precious... er, the ring.
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Gandalf- Hmmm... shiny ring.
Ring- touch me....
Gandalf- I don’t think so...
Ring- touch mee...
Gandalf- Well maybe just a little touch....
Eye- Surprise!
Gandalf- Oh, well that was a bit disturbing.
Frodo- Hey, I’m back! Hellloooo? Bilbo?
Gandalf- Oh, hey, um, did you find the ring?
Gandalf- You don’t wanna know. Put it in this envelope.
Frodo- Okay.
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Gandalf- I dunno if I should be reading this guys diary... Since he’s dead and all... what kinda guy keeps a diary anyway?
Isildur- Year 3034,
It has come to me, Sauron’s friendship ring. It is shiny. I don’t wanna burn it. It tells me things. I dropped it in the fire once when I was making spinach tetrazzini and some funky letters appeared.
Gandalf- Oh boy.
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Merry- Hm, good ale.
*walking*
Frodo- Sam, will you be my special friend? I miss Bilbo.
Sam- Er... I gotta go. Bye Frodo!
*opens door*
Frodo- Why’s it so dark? Electricians!!!
Gandalf- Shut up and give me the ring. *chucks in fire*
Frodo- AGH! In case you didn’t know, that’s not kindling!
Gandalf- Lemme get it. See, it’s not charring your flesh.
Frodo- Cool. Am I supposed to see something?
Gandalf- Yeah. Push that big red button.
Frodo- Nope, nothing except some Elvish jibberish.
Frodo- Ah.
Gandalf- Yeah. Uh, to sum it all up for you, this is Sauron’s and he wants it back. But he can’t have it.
Ring- Whyever not?
Gandalf- You best get hoppin. You hear that?
Frodo- No... you know they have a special place for people who hear voices...
Gandalf- *walks over to window* HA! SAM!
Sam- Don’t fry me!
Gandalf- Okay then. I’ve got a better use for you...
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*walking in cornfield*
Sam- Let’s play hide and seek.
Frodo- Okay.
*later*
Sam- 699, 700! Frodo, where are you?
Frodo- Here-*uuph!*
Pippin- Look Merry! It’s that overly-angsty hobbit dude that happened to become Bilbo’s heir even though he’s not related to him!
Merry- Heya!
Sam- You’ve been into Farmer Maggot’s crops, I see.
Pippin- Ya think?
Merry- Yeah, the old geezer’s a little pissed... why is beyond me. Speaking of which, let’s run for our lives.
*running*
Pippin- That was closeish. Oooh! Mushrooms!
Frodo- I think we should get off the road.
Witch king- *screech*
Frodo- Yeah, I’d definitely say get off the road.
Pippin- Why? Ouch!
*footsteps, snorting*
Witch king- Sniff.... sniff...*achoo!* sniff...
Ring- I’d like to make contact with your finger. And Sauron.
Sam- *throws cabbage at Frodo’s oversized head*
Witch king- Garden veggies? Screech!
Frodo- I know, lets run!
Merry- Come on, Mr. Frodo! *unties raft*
Frodo- *jumps* Well, there goes that.
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Frodo- I feel like I’m being watched.
Patrons- *stare*
Pippin- Whassup everyone? I’m incredible drunk! You wanna hear about Frodo and the magic-
Frodo- Uh-oh, time for some intervention! And the cow jumped over the- *disappears*
Patrons- *group gasp*
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Strider- Hey! Short stuff! Over here!
Frodo- Yo.
Strider- You’re kind of an idiot.
Frodo- No! That’s Pippin’s job!
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Strider- Welcome to the ruins of Amon Sun Hotel. Tonight you will be sharing a room with Mr. Nazgul while I hide behind a rock.
Frodo- Cool!
Sam- Frodo, selective hearing is bad.
Frodo- I see.
Sam- Who wants bacon?
Pippin- I want mushrooms. And beer.
Frodo- eep!
Nazgul- I smite thee, midget! *stab*
Aragorn- Oh, that’s my cue! *slices and dices Nazgul*. Smell the symbolism!
Nazgul- Sniff....*dies*
Aragorn- And now the final touch!
Nazgul- Agh! It burns!
Witch king- Let’s leave, before we all become roasty toasty Nazgul!
Arwen- I chose these convenient time to show up. Let me carry the fuzzy-footed ringbearer.
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Nazgul- Alrighty. A river.
Arwen- HA! Got ya now! What you gonna do? Huh? Huh?
Nazgul- *treads through water*
Arwen- Oh.
Arwen- Okay, Elvish spell to the rescue!
River- On your mark. Get set, GO! And they’re off, Seabiscuit’s in the lead!
Nazgul- AGH! First we get toasted, now we get soaked! Nobody loves us!
Saruman- I do!
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Frodo- What day is it?
Pippin- It’s Mushroom Day!
Frodo- Okay, different approach. What happened?
---------------------Lord of the Rings---------------------
Elrond- Welcome, mortals, to Rivendell. If you think I’m hot, wait until you see Legolas.
Gandalf- Who ever said you were hot?
Elrond- Frodo, bring the shiny to me.
Frodo- Um, okay...
Elrond- We need to decide what to do. This may take a long period of negotiation and due process... ok, done! We gotta kill it.
Gimli- No problem. *whacks with axe* oops...
Elrond- So much for that. Time for Plan B. I’m thinking, sending someone into the land of unspeakable evil to destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom?
Everyone- *silence*
Elrond- Don’t all volunteer at once.
Frodo- It should be me, I’m the angstiest, I have the bluest eyes, and the hairiest feet!
Elrond- Can’t argue with that. Here are your loyal companions. Off you go!
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Frodo- I dunno, the shiny’s kind of occupying all my attention.
Boromir- We’re going to destroy the ring. For Gondor!
Merry- For the Shire!
Pippin- For Mushrooms!
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Gimli- If you ask me, which you usually don’t, I’d say we were going the long way. We should go through Moria.
Gandalf- I’d rather not.
Legolas- Oh look! Birdies!
Birds- ...Roger that, Raven III, coming down for bombardment...
Gimli- RUN!!!! I don’t wanna clean bird crap out of my beard!
Legolas- Well, the pass is blocked. We’re off to Carahadras!
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Saruman- So, Gandalf. You decided to take the Pass of Carahadras. Time to crank up the AC!
Sam- I’m only slightly cold.
Frodo- Sam, are you still my frozen, special friend?
Legolas- I proudly sponsor Lightfoot Brand Snowshoes.
Frodo- Really?
Gandalf- No. It’s this or Moria. You decide, since you’re so special.
Frodo- I’m in the mood for poorly lit, dangerous caves infested with murderous orcs.
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Gandalf- What strange riddle is this? Speak, friend, and enter.
Frodo- There must be some sort of complicated, ancient password.
Pippin- Mushroom?
Gandalf- Speaking of food... mellon!
*rumble rumble*
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Monster- The door opened. What am I supposed to do now? Well, I happen to be hungry for marinated midget.
Frodo- eek!
Legolas- I never miss! *twang*
Aragorn- Charge!
Pippin- Flee!
Merry- Conflicting ideas here, people.
Gandalf- Run into the cave so that the demolition crew can seal you in.
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Frodo- O yay! Orcs! Let’s go say hi!
Balrog- The orcs are the least of your problems. I didn’t take my happy pills today. Fear my unmedicated wrath!
Aragorn- We should run for our lives across this precariously perched bridge.
Frodo- No duh! I mean, S-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n NO!! thanks so much for upping my angst factor, dude.
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Frodo- His last words weren’t exactly heart warming.
Boromir- Who? *oggles ring*
Aragorn- Let’s move, people! We’re headed to Lothlorien, home of the pretty people.
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Gimli- Elves suck. Dwarves are way better. They’ll never catch-
Celeborn- You?
Legolas- Not only am I way hotter than you, Gimli, but I get to laugh in your face! HA!
Aragorn- In case you didn’t notice, they wanna shish-kabob us too.
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Galadriel- I get to mess with your heads. Hee hee!
Boromir- All this foreshadowing kinda unnerves me.
Galadriel- There were nine freaks. Now there’s only eight. Where’d the old geezer go?
Frodo- He went bungee jumping without a bungee cord.
Galadriel- You’re all doomed. But it doesn’t really bother me as much as it should.
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Frodo- I think I’ll go follow the witch.
Aragorn- Whatever.
Galadriel- You gotta little something in your teeth. Look into my mirror so you can get it out.
Frodo- Pool of water, you mean. Oh, that doesn’t look like my reflection!
Galadriel- No. Funny, isn’t it?
Frodo- Depends on if post- apocalyptic destruction amuses you. Hey, you want this ring?
Galadriel- No, I couldn’t. *twitch*
Frodo- Sure you could. I’m ignorant and naiive and therefore giving it to you.
Galadriel- I could... or I could turn into a ghastly looking monster and show what would happen if you did, therefore freaking you out so much that you leave with only the parting gift of a cheap piece of glowing glass.
Frodo- Okay, moving on!
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Frodo- I think I’ll wander off to increase the overall brooding air that I’m portraying.
Boromir- Hey, little dude. Can I borrow the ring of power for say, a millennium?
Frodo- No. And since your left eye is kinda twitching, I think that’s my cue to hit the road. *puts on ring*
Eye- I see you! No pun intended.
Frodo- Oh joy.
Aragorn- Frodo?
Frodo- Get lost! I don’t want another grungy-looking cloaked man to try to take my shiny!
Aragorn- Chill, I don’t want it. I’ve got something from Arwen that’s even shinier.
Frodo- Something about you not wanting it makes me want to give it to you.
Aragorn- Hey kid, it’s your problem, not mine.
Frodo- Fine! I’m not wanted! I’ll just go!
Aragorn- Hey! Was that the horn of Gondor? Maybe I’m hearing things.
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Big Urkhai- Get the pretty people!
Urkhai- Okay!
Merry- Hide!
Pippin- Okay!
Boromir- Hide, kiddies, and let the big man fight!
Pippin- Let’s go!
Merry- I believe this is the third stupid thing you’ve done in this movie!
Urkhai- Oops! Ya got caught.
Merry and Pippin- Oh bother.
Boromir- Ow! Arrows kinda bite!
Urkhai- Not dead.
Boromir- Urg! 2 arrows bite too! Best keep fighting in slow motion!
Urkhai- Why won’t he just DIE??
Boromir- 3 arrows! Well, I better drag this out for a while as the audience starts to drool.
Aragorn- Get lost, ugly dudes! You gotta be gone for Boromir’s big death scene!
Boromir- I screwed up.
Aragorn- Sure ya did! But I’ll give you a goodbye kiss anyway.... On the forehead.
---------------------Lord of the Rings---------------------
Frodo- I wish this thing had never come to me. I’m too young to be engaged.
Audience- Then there’d be no movie.
Sam- Come back, or I’ll commit suicide!
Frodo- No! You’re my special friend!
Sam- Um, thanks? Oh yeah, by the way, you’re stuck with me until the end of this trilogy.
Frodo- Okay then. We’re off the see the Dark Wizard, the wonderful wizard Sauron!
---------------------Lord of the Rings---------------------
Legolas- Let’s follow them.
Gimli- Let’s save Mushroom-boy and Merry.
Aragorn- Best two out of three in a coin toss! Gimli wins!
Gimli- Ha! My only victory over you, pretty boy! Orc-hunting we will go!
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